dating · feminism · MGTOW · wgtow

Can there be a WGTOW?

I’m gonna be honest in this post. Sometimes, this dreadful feeling arrives in my chest, this realization that I could end up alone. I know I’m only 22, and I know I’m supposed to be living up my early 20’s so that at least I can say SOMETHING happened right? Yet at some point, it stopped. I no longer felt like sleeping with random people just to spite my ex – I knew at some point I would be an old bag and nobody would care about me anymore.

Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of men who have already moved away from women. My older cousin is 35, and everyone her age who reaches past the 30 mark has found themselves single because the men their age are fooling around with younger women. I myself have never been attracted to older men simply because it felt perverted to even think of sleeping with one of them – since my own brother is about the same age. However, I fear even more than the Bridget Jones and Carrie Bradshaw of the last generation – that my generation is going to be more alone and forgotten than ever before.

The men that I could end up dating – Late Millennials since I am a Gen Z, are even more idealistic than men in the past. In my experience, I was not even able to get into my last almost-relationship because the guy I was with typed me as the “type” to get jealous even though he didn’t even give me a chance and blocked me, only later to convince himself than I was never his type anyway and that I “seduced him.” Nor do the men of this age bracket even know what they want. Let’s face it, S was not looking for someone who was more emotionally mature and less jealous – he’s looking for some fitness babe with tits to put his face in. That is what really happened, and there’s no point in trying to find “emotional maturity.”

Emotional Maturity is this hot-buzz word that people are throwing around these days. One needs to look no forward than last season of Bachelor in Paradise – where 23 year old Rachel Nolan was proposed to by a man 10 years older than him because she was “much more emotionally mature than other people her age.” I had similarly found someone on Whisper who was 35 and dating an 18 year old girl. He said he simply found women his age to be immature and catty compared to this girl – whom he said knew what he was thinking all the time. I asked him, “So I’ve been hearing this word emotional maturity being thrown about lately, I was wondering why this girl is so much more mature than anyone else you’ve experienced?” He answered, simply, that she never got jealous ever and was always in a good mood. THAT WAS IT PEOPLE: THE CHICK HAD NO EMOTIONS AND WAS COMPLETELY SUBMISSIVE TO HIS WILL. When I asked my ex about that too, he claimed to have changed his number.

Later he asked me not too long ago, “Are you okay? You were dealing with a lot of stuff the last time I talked to you.” “Lots of stuff” as in “This is a crazy chick who doesn’t realize that I’m God’s gift to women and couldn’t have possibly done anything wrong to her.” I told him, quite simply, that if he felt it pertinent to tell me to date other people or claimed “You should have stayed with me” in regards to S, he was wasting his time. I am wasting my time. Every guy I talk to on Whisper has been, in short, very ugly. There’s a ton of sexist stuff on the internet that say that women need to lower their standards. To everyone wondering why I simply cannot be with a guy less attractive than me: It’s simply because I have sexual needs that need to be fulfilled. Men are never held to the same standard as women, so why should women have to marry men they aren’t attracted to when they are having orgasms every night to the thought of someone else? (In my experience, it’s very frustrating.)

To my male followers, I know some of you have concern about the women in your life or who have left your life. All I can say is, we are not perfect as a gender. We can be liberated or domesticated, and at the end of the day all we want is to be loved. I’m not sure I can say the same for men in this regard, since men from MGTOW claim they can have a life without women and be completely happy, but SOME women (as there are some that really do want your money – and I’m befuddled by these women and the men who get with them everyday) like myself keep working out, eating healthy and working on themselves everyday simply because they want a relationship where they can take care of a man and have their sexual needs fulfilled. This was the desire I had with S, but alas it’s not meant to be. I’m not sure if love is enough anymore. I think this generation is full of trust issues, but I do think there is going to be a lot of unhappy people if someone does not step up and say “Hey, I think I want a happy fulfilling relationship with an imperfect person.”

That’s just my thoughts anyway. Shout out to S, if you are listening. I hope you don’t end up with a big-boobed Asian woman that steals your money, but if you do end up dating a ditzy and kind woman who can’t take care of herself, never gets jealous and makes your groin tingle every time she laughs – I will be jealous, but I guess I can’t do anything about it.

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psychiatry

The Death of Emotionality

overemotional

Today was the day we were reviewing Hamlet. My teacher decided casually that it would also be a good day to talk about emotional outbursts and mental disorders. My teacher is a very non-emotional person, so he believes that it is best to tell us to not be emotional as well if we want to have success in the world. There’s not even any consideration on his part of emotional people being good – emotionality is BAD. Granted, it gets him traction with the other students in my age group who have no penchant for having emotions but not me.

Let’s get real – I am the girl with a lot of PTSD and other issues, so I’m definitely going to be “EMOTIONAL” about him hampering on emotional people. However, I do think I’m not technically a bad addition to the world. I’m still contributing to the online discussion about mental illness, still writing stories that I think will help young people and I’m becoming a teacher for Middle School students. I like to think by and by, that I am helping the world in spite of the numerous amount of people who claim “I’ve ‘tried’ ruined their life”, etc, etc. I also think, to be frank, that a big part of the problems in our country is the fact that we’ve become so accustomed to hiding our feelings behind the shelter of our technology – all things which have become interrelated.

Anyway, he told the story of a research assistant that was having a fight with her boyfriend on the phone. It made him very uncomfortable, and she ended up not getting the position.

Then he proceeded to talk about mental illness. He had before, such as believing that technologies in the future will enable them to be able to tell if users patients have mental illnesses and alert authorities (another instance like the gay-facial testing study done recently, both tests which I believe are still highly subjective to human criteria of generalized stereotypes). However, today, he stated that he thought Psychiatry had made great strides in figuring out that it is a “chemical imbalance of the brain” – even though there is no proof of it, and studies are coming out showing researchers that it may not be that way at all but more complicated than we imagined. Then he said that you can take an antidepressant “Just 1 because that’s all your prescribed” (another lie due to the overmedication of patients but still) and then you would be cured.

IT’S NOT THAT SIMPLE! IT’S NEVER THAT SIMPLE!

I wasn’t sure if this was your email. I very much respect you as a teacher in class and everything. So far you’ve challenged me a lot. My only concern is that you don’t mention psychiatry or mental illness in your class. I understand it’s relevant to some of the characters and stories, as well as believe that you are entitled to your opinion, but when you mentioned it today – I felt like my heart was racing and that I was mentally shutting down. I wasn’t able to pay attention to anything you said after that. So I just ask that you don’t mention it a lot.

 

Thank you for this message.  I am sorry, Carmen, if you were uncomfortable.  I have friends and family members with various types of mental illness, and I have great compassion and sympathy for anyone so afflicted.  However, the play Hamlet (and Revenge Tragedy in particular) probes the question of real or feigned insanity and madness.  So it is indeed quite germane to the story. I will try and avoid the topic–but it might come up again. If this topic upsets you, you have my permission to miss class on Monday without penalty.

I hate being that person, you know? I know this is a university, and I know that teachers get a lot of bad reputation for stating political opinions in class. I do not want to take this guy’s tenure away, nor do I want to infiltrate him with my “pseudo-scientific” ideas. It’s just the forcing them on someone that is the problem. I think we’ve gotten to a point with the rhetoric on mental illness where we accept that there is only one way to talk about mental illness.

Let’s assume for a second that what he said is true, “That you can just pop an antidepressant in your mouth and it will all go away.” Then EVERYONE with depression would be on antidepressants. However, not everyone is, and it’s wrong to assume that it is just because there is a “stigma” attached to mental illnesses. Moreover, we should consider instead that there may be a stigma attached to these drugs. I was thinking about getting help for social anxiety, but this situation in Vegas with the shooter being on Valium has steered me clear of wanting to get anti-anxiety meds.

Let me reiterate: IT IS NOT THAT I DONT WANT TO ACCEPT “I HAVE A PROBLEM.” IT IS BECAUSE I AM AFRAID THE MEDICATIONS WOULD MAKE THE PROBLEM WORSE, AS THEY HAVE IN THE PAST.

It’s not good anymore to force people to get vaccinated or medicated just because it’s scientific. Instead, you have to look at why they aren’t getting it, at the drugs themselves and why people aren’t taking them. It may take some time for psychiatrists who ignore outliers in their studies, like Dr. Lieberman in his study of “successful” patients on antipsychotics, but it is crucial for people like me to want to feel comfortable should they ever get on them again.

It’s also not good to force mental illness into every aspect of the conversation. Into our daily discussions. Calling this or that person “crazy.” A good chunk of why people repress their emotions and act cold or laugh at those who have illnesses is because they don’t want to be crazy either.

I hope someday people can understand why I had a panic attack today.

I wrote a response to him so he didn’t think I would be too much of a problem.

Understandable. I don’t think I necessarily have to leave because I do think I need to pay attention to the lesson, but I appreciate your concern. Just knowing that I can be affected so easily helps me to feel more comfortable. So, thank you.
Still, I wish I could tell him why. Unfortunately, that is unacceptable. So he is still majorly confused as to why I sent him that email. I can’t tell him. Nobody can understand what I’ve been through, especially people like him because they tried meds and it worked for them. (More specifically – his family.) I just wish it wasn’t included in the lesson. I don’t think it’s pertinent. I especially don’t think Hamlet has something like “Bipolar Disorder” and since he doesn’t believe in the Oedipus Complex, he can’t really say Hamlet has “Borderline Personality Disorder.” I just wish, you know, that I would no find myself in classes where teachers felt it pertinent to discuss mental illness.
I really can’t handle it so easily anymore. It’s like the guy I almost dated but didn’t, not just because I’m not over my longtime unrequited love, but also because he can’t hear anything from a person who does not believe in psychiatry and mental illness. So when these people think they can spread their ideas, without talking about the bad, they are alienating people like me. I like to think there are more people like me, but I really hope that mental health professionals look in the mirror and see that the people they tried to help were the ones that went off the rails anyway instead of saying things like “Stephen Paddock had several undiagnosed mental illnesses” when he was already seeing a psychiatrist regularly anyway.
Or at least acknowledge “Psychiatric PTSD.” Yet they won’t, and I’m continued to suffer until I start thinking I may be psychotic and get back on pills. Then I’ll struggle to conform once more like a good psychiatric puppet, and kiss my “fake” boyfriend goodnight because I don’t want him to think of me as being mad or emotional but “emotionally mature.” Again, these are things my teacher will never get, and men too, but still.
Or my friend in my class. I like her, and we talk, but I understand full on the reason she had a boyfriend for 4 years and I haven’t. It’s not cause I’m ugly, its because she’s boring. She agreed with him to hang out with other people. She doesn’t get emotional at all, and that’s the future really. People like me are meant to be ostracized because we are “seen” as emotional before we get to prove ourselves wrong anyway, and really there isn’t’ a point anymore in seeking interpersonal relationships because that’s all men look for in the end – proof that you’re crazy.
I don’t really want to play the game anymore.
7
psychiatry

Conversation on Twitter today about Paddock on Valium

“People keep saying we need to increase access to mental health care. Okay, why not therapy and nutritionists?”
“No. They are not getting psychiatric care.”
“You realize every mass shooter was on a psychotropic drug before committing homicide?”
“That’s not true. The side effects are sedative.”
“You realize not every person responds the same to medication right?”
“Shhh. We can’t increase mental health stigma! We need to encourage people to get on their meds.”
“Okay. So who’s going to solve the problem of drug induced psychosis?”
*crickets*
“Well he was on alcohol and gambling anyway.”
“Plenty people on meds are.”
“Scientologist!”

smh 😒

psychiatry

We Are Not Going Away

You can try to politicize our troubles

Try to write a diagnosis and see if it cures us

Made medications to change our brains

To make them reliant

We are not going away

You can try to hate us

Since we take so many lives

We are a threat to the government

An impediment to our family and friends

Try as you might

We are not going away

No matter how they drug us

We still keep it going

If you are hating on your ex

You need to look in the mirror

See that

Drugging people

Does not silence them

Does not cure them off mental disease

Taking away their guns will make them safe

Maybe even locking them up

But some will break free

Some will keep trying

So why try to hide it?

Why not make mental health a conversation?

The good, the bad, and the ugly

It can’t be

Bred out

It will still come to anyone

It can’t be locked up

People can pretend to be normal

So what to do?

Remember

We are not going away

We are not going away

So pay attention

Make mental health a conversation

Not littered with law enforcement trolls

Make it known

Talk about

The good and the bad

Experiment doctors and scientists

Do not hide to decrease the stigma

Stigma will exist as long as humanity exists

Make a difference

Change this country for the better

We are not going away

So no matter where you fall on the political spectrum

End the Stigma

Remember

WE ARE NOT GOING AWAY

SO SAVE LIVES

TAKE ACTION
TALK ABOUT MENTAL HEALTH!

psychiatry

Broken

I am so lonely. I don’t know if I can take it anymore. I used to think that love was for me, but it just isn’t. If it was, the one I love would be texting me back right now but there is just nothing. It’s strange to think that someone you once loved, someone who was so interested in you, could suddenly see you as nothing just because he got bored with you. Then there’s the stereotype that women only want bad boys but not men that actually love them. Could I be the infamous Madame Bovary only looking for financial support and not really in love with Rodolphe or Leon?

I want someone’s mother to think of me as being lovely. I want someone’s father to stand at our wedding, announcing that he’s so happy that his son married a woman like me. I don’t want to be that woman that went crazy and thus lost the man. I want to be the mother of kids a man freely gives to me because he wouldn’t want any other woman to be the mother of his children. More importantly, I wish I could find a man that my father would be proud of me marrying.

 

I’ve been hurt so much that I don’t remember what love feels like. Sometimes I feel severely handicapped because I had decided to wait until someone would come around to help me get over the last. I didn’t want to have flings with just anyone, but it seems the only people that come around want to have flings and just aren’t serious about life. I wonder if I am ever going to be loved at all. I severely doubt it.
This will go on the web as a message to no one? It’s because I know there’s no one out there. I play my Taylor Swift and Demi Lovato fantasy/feminist music by day, but I secretly know my clock is ticking. I could soon be one of those women that never marry and then age in such a way that nobody could ever tell they were beautiful or young. Men will continue to ignore me as always and this post will go off for no reason to vent. I am completely and utterly broken – no one will ever fix me back up again.

psychiatry

Done with Advice-Givers, Labels and Self-Help

uoftas12_1

To be honest, I’m getting sick of advice. It started off as a conscious need to not be labeled in any sort of way. Now it’s frustration as being in an unrequited love-type situation. The truth is, there is currently no cure for this love and perhaps the problem is in looking for one.  I don’t know if he’s seeking to fill in the loneliness while he waits for someone else to come along but I’m all too willing to give it to him. He told me I had not found anyone else because I don’t put myself out there enough but I’ve long ago stopped getting internet offers to meet up due to the hundreds of guys on Whisper who simply didn’t measure up to him in looks, intelligence and personality. Then there’s the assertion that I’m just addicted to the feeling of being unloved. What? I chose to fall in love with him? I think that’s unrealistic. I never chose to love him. I told myself on Day 1, “DO NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM! HE’S JUST LIKE JAMES (my first love – who I never talked too and ended up being obsessed with for 7 years) SO OBVIOUSLY HE’S GOING TO BREAK YOUR HEART!” I rolled my eyes at the girls in the dorm who gawked over him. The only reason he was interested in me was because I wasn’t so easily impressed by him. Until I was of course. Then he left. Then I got a boyfriend and lost my virginity. Whoop-de-doo. I didn’t really like him but I made a conscious effort to move on from S (the guy I’m talking about). That’s why, along with some indiscriminate pictures I sent him, we got back together. Until I got too clingy. Then he left. AGAIN. Now we are seeing each other. Again. It’s so easy for him to put me at arms length and take me for granted. It’s so easy for me to accept that it will never go anywhere and give him/want to give him comfort in spite of it. YET THE IDEA THAT I CHOSE TO CRY OVER HIM WHEN I WATCH HERCULES, DIRTY DANCING AND SUPERMAN IS LUDICROUS! You can’t chose to like anybody. You can’t tell people that because they fall in love with emotionally-unavailable types that they chose that. We don’t know when we first meet someone that they are that way and yet there is this assumption that we saw the warning signs and chose it. It’s a similar echo to the men ranting on the internet that women should be submissive and get with guys that they are not attracted to. You also can’t label people as narcissists when they get on your nerves. There’s this guy on Quora who in one of my darkest hours when I believed I was a narcissist that used men told me that I was specifically a somatic narcissist who was trying to appeal to women by putting down men. I wish I was bisexual. It would be easier than looking at someone’s dick and filling up with tears because you have gone a year and a half without sex because you’ve been in love with the same guy for four years.

Paul Inca
Paul Inca, the secret to navigating NPD’s is remembering they’re 4yo

As a high IQ/EQ, intuitive empath, you’re sending out my mating call.

I wonder when I read this, are these things you truly would like to see as permanent changes, or are you simply hoping this post will have the effect it had on someone like me, or perhaps a little from column A, and a little from column B?

Transparency is a huge turn on for intuitive empaths, as is sex with the narcissist, and up to the point you start understanding/mistaking my terminal niceness for oblivious weakness, we have such an incredible time together, the seconds become weeks, or even months without being noticed.

When I read “…and to avoid men so that I don’t”, I believe I’ve caught you, as you go on to say you also want to stop using the internet (social media/dating sites) for attention seeking (hunting grounds), which I don’t believe for a second, as it’s going to at minimum be one or the other, because you don’t want to not receive any attention, because that isn’t “normal” even for any NT, and would prove an exercise in futility for anyone IMO with even a 22 or above on the narcissism spectrum, as we all need attention of some kind. For me online, I get the greatest joy out of knowing something I’ve said has been a help to at least one person per day, regardless as to what magnitude, just knowing I’ve made a positive difference in someone’s life is enough. Not wanting any attention from men I’m not buying, as I don’t think there is such a thing as a straight or gay narcissist, and I in fact believe all of you are “meh” sexual. That is to say, meh, any port will do in a storm, of course, this is without knowing what “flavor” narcissist you are. Your hyper-reaction to reading “flavor” if divulged would give me some insight also. Intuitively I’m thinking you’re some bit of a somatic, but that could also be my own druthers entering into the mix. No attention however, would be much the same as a mirror that cast no reflection, would not be a mirror at all, which is something as a female narcissist that is even possible, and it would last all of 5 minutes, as impulse control, as you know isn’t your strong suit, and to have someone with my emotional intelligence fawning over you, which is inevitable in the dynamic, is like catnip to Frisky.

So, if you don’t mind, I’m going to re-write your post as I see it all things considered. Actually even if you do mind I’m going to. Now when I say that, it sets your heart all a flutter, because of the hint of banter that is such a blast between us. Why must you go out of your way in short order to unilaterally fuck everything up, when it starts out perfect, with us each being firmly as we’re both most comfortable?

How can I learn to stop being a narcissistic woman that uses men?

I’m essentially a narcisstic person who leverages sexual attraction and mental health issues for attention of the opposite sex. I want to learn how to stop being so selfish and to avoid men so that I don’t burden their lives. I also want to stop using the internet for attention seeking.”

First, the typo, is that for my benefit, as you know how we are about obvious spelling errors due to laziness, or apathy, or is that so we believe you’d like us to know you’re mostly humble already, or is that so we can lovingly point out you must’ve been rushed when you misspelled “narcissistic”, as the first bit of empath attention?

The rest of the opening sentence seems written in a way to essentially eliminate any non-empathic type men, while including a gratuitous mention of the opposite sex, which seems to be a subtle message to either gay or bi-women, you are still open to whatever they have in mind, as mentioning the opposite sex at all after making this clear in the question itself, is either intentionally redundant, an attempt to look less intelligent, or needful of a strong mind in your corner, or what I originally said; which I believe is the truth of it. So, which is it?

Then you say you want to “learn” how to stop “being” SO selfish.

Is this to say you’d like to learn to stop being selfish, but not to the point of selfless?

Also, am I to honestly believe you don’t “KNOW” already how to not be something you have NO PROBLEM with, depending on whom is watching?

I have a couple of other questions.

How old are you, including day and month of birth?

What part of the country do you live in?

How many sources of supply do you currently have, how long have you been without a good primary source?

What is your home dynamic/demographic currently?

What are you doing for dinner? ←— Kidding/not kidding…

This is the part where I vet myself as being what I claim; Sorry if you find me overly or brutally honest, and invasive with my questioning, and analytical dissection of your question, and I’m sure if you are indeed a narcissistic female, you no doubt know that as a high EQ intuitive empath, it is NEVER my intention to bring you shame, embarrassment, or any type of emotional distress, only transparency and effective communication are my life’s blood.

Thanks, look forward to a response…

It’s so easy to label someone as gay when you can’t understand them. I recently found another thread of his asking how an INFJ would expose a malignant narcissist. I wrote this in response, which is no longer on there.

I don’t think that by being an INFJ, or by calling oneself an empath, that either wouldn’t have narcissistic traits. Nobody is completely clear of narcissist tendencies, even if they are empathetic. Since “Malignant-Narcissism” is a conundrum in and of itself combining antisocial behavior and a grandiose sense of self, an INFJ may not be able to expose that kind of narcissist – perhaps because with introverted intuition and extroverted feeling can give one a sense that they do know what is best for other people. I imagine the two would get along unless they had drastically different perspectives. Now I do think that MBTI types and mental disorders are thrown around so much that people make drastic life decisions or suffer a loss of a sense of identity due to the sense of their purpose in life (their MBTI) or their failings (their mental illness). I think then that a narcissist would see a grandiose sense of purpose, perhaps in their abilities, without seeing failings. Would an INFJ be skilled at finding this? Probably not, since like other introverted intuitives, our own abilities lie in our beliefs about self and the world. It’s not to say that we are all narcissists or idealistic to a fault, but finding narcissism is like finding a needle in a haystack. You only really find it if that person gets on your nerves somehow, and even then others may disagree with you. I don’t see people as all empathetic or all narcissistic but perhaps at different degrees and to different people as different things.

I realized something though. This man has convinced himself that he is empathetic and has no narcissistic traits. That these people who write about narcissists and are so easily able to throw the label around deny that they have any bad qualities themselves. In a response to another lady he says about his “malignant narcissistic ex”
Lana Novak

 

I realized that it was pointless to convince them that they had done something wrong in taking no responsibility for their relationship(s). Their whole sense of identity is founded on the idea that they are clear of any wrongdoing – that they are not responsible in a relationship that includes two people. Another guy here is convinced that his BPD former wife is narcissistic and answers questions on Quora about BPD as if everyone with BPD is inherently a narc. They act like they don’t even know what a personality disorder means – that it is some inherent flaw in reasoning that makes a person unable to love, care or make rational decisions.

The other thing I saw either today or yesterday was a person who was considering taking their ex spouse back. The people commented on her Whisper excessively saying “Don’t do it”, “They are your ex for a reason”, “Do you have any self respect?” etc. It was obvious that they too had to tell themselves some thing or another about how their ex wasn’t good enough for them. Probably what my ex may have told/or still tells himself about me. What S may say. Or what I say from time to time. Psychological defense mechanism. This is what I said, however.

“Everyone saying “no, have self-respect. Don’t date exs for a reason. Honestly, it’s your life. If it’s a mistake, you’ll own up to it in your own time.”

Response: “Everyone makes mistakes. It is how we learn from them that defines us. Thank you for judging less and listening more.”

I didn’t even read the responses really until after and was confirmed that everyone said that. I guess it just concludes my point. Sure, he’s probably going to hurt me. Maybe I’m asking for it. Really though, when I watch Hercules and start crying thinking about Superman (2005)’s eyes and then his eyes – I don’t chose it. While my mom can say, “You really like to cry don’t you?” I don’t. I hate having these feelings for him. For loving him long past the expiration date. Yet I’m so sick and tired of beating myself over for it. We can’t control how we feel. That’s why advice about how we should feel is becoming so mundane and annoying to me that I literally cannot be on the internet much anymore, write (because the act of writing implies a newfound perspective on the world – which I don’t have) or give advice to people who are stuck in their heads and looking for confirmation bias. Because your brain can only go so far, and life doesn’t talk back. Life won’t give us answers. Frankly, it’s time I stop looking for them.

But frankly, saying and doing something are two different things…. hahahahaha. *sigh*

Yes the real problem is that I am addicted to all these labels. To diagnoses, ruminating and wanting love. It would be easy to call it BPD, PTSD and/or Bipolar but I think it’s something more complicated: “I am extremely sensitive to life, nostalgic of the past and analyze everything.” I am that combination of phlegmatic and choleric. I am fine one day and tomorrow, I’ll be in an unrequited romance with a guy from India who works in IT and will be being treated for Schizophrenia even though I currently can think of no delusions I experience. (The joke being that you couldn’t possibly remember them – which they tell you in psychiatry.) I am extremely tired of humanity and my feelings. Sure, I want to be understood but the very aspect of having a brain prevents the achievement of complete security. The movie credits rolling down the screen that we know doesn’t really happen, but nevertheless we aspire to them.

I’m so tired honestly. I hope things can get better from here but I don’t know. I think if they get worse, I might break down somehow. I feel like I can’t control it. That pills truly can’t make me happier and therapy truly can’t cure my low self-esteem and self-doubt. That at the end of my life, I’ll be looking back on now with nostalgia. That’s the fear, that like my love of S, I will lose the grip on my life. I love S so much, so dearly that there is this big whole in my heart and this earnest desire to comfort him and take on his pain. A desire that will never be fulfilled but it reminds me that if it were, I would be capable of boundless love to provide. That I would feel better and I would love and laugh more. In a perfect world, where I was a perfect human, but I am an imperfect human and that perfect world isn’t for me. The only thing keeping me grounded is knowledge of the limitation of perfection itself. Which is why I can’t do advice anymore. Cause my psychiatrist was right, no one could ever understand what I’ve been through. No one reads what I write or comments. I don’t know if any of this is going to anyone anywhere. I’m told I am searching for help. When I get help, I want to prove to people I am okay. I had a Facebook twice. The second time, after I got on meds, I would try to post all the positive things I was doing. I would try to actively purpose together an identity. Proving that I was better, and I knew I was lying then, and now. Cause at some point, the troll on the internet wins. He sits in your psyche and beats you down until you can’t remember who you are. No one really cares and or is listening and I’m wasting my time.

 

psychiatry

What I’ve Learned

It’s hard when you have had diagnosis after diagnosis and therapist after therapist. When boy after boy rejects you and the reasons are: “You’re too nice”, “You’re too emotionally dependent and “You are not emotionally mature enough.” I am, in a sense, a hopeless romantic and I’ve been that way my whole life. Ever since I sat outside the playground during recess with my head in my hands, watching as my kindergarten crush ran about the playground dreamily, I’ve always dreamed that there would be someone or something that would be a quick fix to all my problems. In falling down the rabbit hole of diagnosis and treatment plans, I’ve had to come out from it and look at the view of those who fell in behind me.

So you’re going to laugh at me or think me incredibly desensitized and/or dangerous to others when I say this, but I sometimes listen to Elliot Rodger’s videos. I wonder sometimes if I wasn’t manic while on my medications – would I have lost my virginity and felt more comfortable about my love life and sense of self worth? The truth is – I feel better having gone through all the hardship with psychiatrists, authority, counselors and guys because when I look at Elliot Rodger’s videos, I see someone who thought himself to be evil and who had severe incapability of handling his distress. When I look at human life in general and how we attribute labels to ourselves to give us a sense of comfort or explanation in extreme turmoil, I am able to better understand the people who have helped me or failed to help me. I’ve reached a place with my understanding and interest in this subject that I don’t see Elliot Rodger and other socipaths as evil, nor do I see narcissists like Donald Trump or Kim Jong Un incapable of loving their wife and kids.

I do think it’s helpful to have labels sometimes because in the extreme distress of dealing with a diagnosis, we are able to push through the darkness and work at the problems lurking within our own psyche – whether we are Bipolar, Borderline, Schizophrenic, Schizoaffective, Autistic, Narcissistic, Anxious, Depressed, Narcissistic and even Psychopaths as well as Sociopaths. I think for more people to be able to balance their minds and internal distresses that there should be an integration of mental health with and within education practices – perhaps through a CBT or DBT class and with instructional methods having links to people’s everyday mental health. I also think that there is simply not enough research about pharmaceutical drugs and the side effects. Until the American Psychiatric Association and other groups are better able to address and work on the side-effects of pharmaceuticals, and the media is better able to explain mental psychosis/homicide to citizens, there will still be a large amount of individuals who are afraid of getting help when they need it and instead, deflect by projecting their own health issues onto other people. Someday, I hope we live in a society where drugs are regulated, help is widespread, stigma is no longer an issue, scientists are looking for new cures and people are better educated.