Life Getting Worse

Life is not getting better. I do not feel any revelations about life. I feel more confused about it than ever. I’m worried my life is going into a cycle that I cannot find my way out of. I wonder sometimes if I have ever loved – would it mean I wouldn’t push guys away?

Then there’s the whole moving on bit. I know I am supposed to do it and yet I can’t because I’m afraid everything will repeat in an endless cycle. I’m so socially isolated. I can’t even make eye contact with a guy even though I’ve had sexual experience with men. I’m so terrified with them.

I’m worried I’m isolating myself and the truth is, I don’t know how to de-isolate myself after “working on myself” for so long. I wonder if I’m ready to move on. I know I’m not, and yet I feel lonely enough to want to do it. I know I will put it off until the last possible minute, being lonely enough to get hospitalized. The I will later be falling for an emotionally unavailable guy and maybe settling for an okay guy. I’ll text an ex, say that I’m “doing so well and am grateful for what I learned from him” just like I did to an ex from high school, who still wanted to sleep with me to make his gf jealous like in high school.

Then I’ll parade on, having already been medicated up and determined to apologize to everyone I “wronged” while Bipolar cycling between manic/depressed. Then relationship will fall apart after a few months, unavailable guy will become more unavailable and pattern repeats – me moving back home, isolating myself from the world and dealing with severe depression. What the heck. I feel like I have bad karma, and I know it will happen eventually. Going to the hospital, getting drugged, making regrettable decisions and falling apart. Nobody is on my side no matter what I do, and I feel like every cycle I get a little more broken.

I don’t think I am a lovable person or that my life will get any better, but I’m sticking around anyhow cause I’m lazy and overly dramatic. Just like BPD.

Done with Advice-Givers, Labels and Self-Help

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To be honest, I’m getting sick of advice. It started off as a conscious need to not be labeled in any sort of way. Now it’s frustration as being in an unrequited love-type situation. The truth is, there is currently no cure for this love and perhaps the problem is in looking for one.  I don’t know if he’s seeking to fill in the loneliness while he waits for someone else to come along but I’m all too willing to give it to him. He told me I had not found anyone else because I don’t put myself out there enough but I’ve long ago stopped getting internet offers to meet up due to the hundreds of guys on Whisper who simply didn’t measure up to him in looks, intelligence and personality. Then there’s the assertion that I’m just addicted to the feeling of being unloved. What? I chose to fall in love with him? I think that’s unrealistic. I never chose to love him. I told myself on Day 1, “DO NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM! HE’S JUST LIKE JAMES (my first love – who I never talked too and ended up being obsessed with for 7 years) SO OBVIOUSLY HE’S GOING TO BREAK YOUR HEART!” I rolled my eyes at the girls in the dorm who gawked over him. The only reason he was interested in me was because I wasn’t so easily impressed by him. Until I was of course. Then he left. Then I got a boyfriend and lost my virginity. Whoop-de-doo. I didn’t really like him but I made a conscious effort to move on from S (the guy I’m talking about). That’s why, along with some indiscriminate pictures I sent him, we got back together. Until I got too clingy. Then he left. AGAIN. Now we are seeing each other. Again. It’s so easy for him to put me at arms length and take me for granted. It’s so easy for me to accept that it will never go anywhere and give him/want to give him comfort in spite of it. YET THE IDEA THAT I CHOSE TO CRY OVER HIM WHEN I WATCH HERCULES, DIRTY DANCING AND SUPERMAN IS LUDICROUS! You can’t chose to like anybody. You can’t tell people that because they fall in love with emotionally-unavailable types that they chose that. We don’t know when we first meet someone that they are that way and yet there is this assumption that we saw the warning signs and chose it. It’s a similar echo to the men ranting on the internet that women should be submissive and get with guys that they are not attracted to. You also can’t label people as narcissists when they get on your nerves. There’s this guy on Quora who in one of my darkest hours when I believed I was a narcissist that used men told me that I was specifically a somatic narcissist who was trying to appeal to women by putting down men. I wish I was bisexual. It would be easier than looking at someone’s dick and filling up with tears because you have gone a year and a half without sex because you’ve been in love with the same guy for four years.

Paul Inca
Paul Inca, the secret to navigating NPD’s is remembering they’re 4yo

As a high IQ/EQ, intuitive empath, you’re sending out my mating call.

I wonder when I read this, are these things you truly would like to see as permanent changes, or are you simply hoping this post will have the effect it had on someone like me, or perhaps a little from column A, and a little from column B?

Transparency is a huge turn on for intuitive empaths, as is sex with the narcissist, and up to the point you start understanding/mistaking my terminal niceness for oblivious weakness, we have such an incredible time together, the seconds become weeks, or even months without being noticed.

When I read “…and to avoid men so that I don’t”, I believe I’ve caught you, as you go on to say you also want to stop using the internet (social media/dating sites) for attention seeking (hunting grounds), which I don’t believe for a second, as it’s going to at minimum be one or the other, because you don’t want to not receive any attention, because that isn’t “normal” even for any NT, and would prove an exercise in futility for anyone IMO with even a 22 or above on the narcissism spectrum, as we all need attention of some kind. For me online, I get the greatest joy out of knowing something I’ve said has been a help to at least one person per day, regardless as to what magnitude, just knowing I’ve made a positive difference in someone’s life is enough. Not wanting any attention from men I’m not buying, as I don’t think there is such a thing as a straight or gay narcissist, and I in fact believe all of you are “meh” sexual. That is to say, meh, any port will do in a storm, of course, this is without knowing what “flavor” narcissist you are. Your hyper-reaction to reading “flavor” if divulged would give me some insight also. Intuitively I’m thinking you’re some bit of a somatic, but that could also be my own druthers entering into the mix. No attention however, would be much the same as a mirror that cast no reflection, would not be a mirror at all, which is something as a female narcissist that is even possible, and it would last all of 5 minutes, as impulse control, as you know isn’t your strong suit, and to have someone with my emotional intelligence fawning over you, which is inevitable in the dynamic, is like catnip to Frisky.

So, if you don’t mind, I’m going to re-write your post as I see it all things considered. Actually even if you do mind I’m going to. Now when I say that, it sets your heart all a flutter, because of the hint of banter that is such a blast between us. Why must you go out of your way in short order to unilaterally fuck everything up, when it starts out perfect, with us each being firmly as we’re both most comfortable?

How can I learn to stop being a narcissistic woman that uses men?

I’m essentially a narcisstic person who leverages sexual attraction and mental health issues for attention of the opposite sex. I want to learn how to stop being so selfish and to avoid men so that I don’t burden their lives. I also want to stop using the internet for attention seeking.”

First, the typo, is that for my benefit, as you know how we are about obvious spelling errors due to laziness, or apathy, or is that so we believe you’d like us to know you’re mostly humble already, or is that so we can lovingly point out you must’ve been rushed when you misspelled “narcissistic”, as the first bit of empath attention?

The rest of the opening sentence seems written in a way to essentially eliminate any non-empathic type men, while including a gratuitous mention of the opposite sex, which seems to be a subtle message to either gay or bi-women, you are still open to whatever they have in mind, as mentioning the opposite sex at all after making this clear in the question itself, is either intentionally redundant, an attempt to look less intelligent, or needful of a strong mind in your corner, or what I originally said; which I believe is the truth of it. So, which is it?

Then you say you want to “learn” how to stop “being” SO selfish.

Is this to say you’d like to learn to stop being selfish, but not to the point of selfless?

Also, am I to honestly believe you don’t “KNOW” already how to not be something you have NO PROBLEM with, depending on whom is watching?

I have a couple of other questions.

How old are you, including day and month of birth?

What part of the country do you live in?

How many sources of supply do you currently have, how long have you been without a good primary source?

What is your home dynamic/demographic currently?

What are you doing for dinner? ←— Kidding/not kidding…

This is the part where I vet myself as being what I claim; Sorry if you find me overly or brutally honest, and invasive with my questioning, and analytical dissection of your question, and I’m sure if you are indeed a narcissistic female, you no doubt know that as a high EQ intuitive empath, it is NEVER my intention to bring you shame, embarrassment, or any type of emotional distress, only transparency and effective communication are my life’s blood.

Thanks, look forward to a response…

It’s so easy to label someone as gay when you can’t understand them. I recently found another thread of his asking how an INFJ would expose a malignant narcissist. I wrote this in response, which is no longer on there.

I don’t think that by being an INFJ, or by calling oneself an empath, that either wouldn’t have narcissistic traits. Nobody is completely clear of narcissist tendencies, even if they are empathetic. Since “Malignant-Narcissism” is a conundrum in and of itself combining antisocial behavior and a grandiose sense of self, an INFJ may not be able to expose that kind of narcissist – perhaps because with introverted intuition and extroverted feeling can give one a sense that they do know what is best for other people. I imagine the two would get along unless they had drastically different perspectives. Now I do think that MBTI types and mental disorders are thrown around so much that people make drastic life decisions or suffer a loss of a sense of identity due to the sense of their purpose in life (their MBTI) or their failings (their mental illness). I think then that a narcissist would see a grandiose sense of purpose, perhaps in their abilities, without seeing failings. Would an INFJ be skilled at finding this? Probably not, since like other introverted intuitives, our own abilities lie in our beliefs about self and the world. It’s not to say that we are all narcissists or idealistic to a fault, but finding narcissism is like finding a needle in a haystack. You only really find it if that person gets on your nerves somehow, and even then others may disagree with you. I don’t see people as all empathetic or all narcissistic but perhaps at different degrees and to different people as different things.

I realized something though. This man has convinced himself that he is empathetic and has no narcissistic traits. That these people who write about narcissists and are so easily able to throw the label around deny that they have any bad qualities themselves. In a response to another lady he says about his “malignant narcissistic ex”
Lana Novak

 

I realized that it was pointless to convince them that they had done something wrong in taking no responsibility for their relationship(s). Their whole sense of identity is founded on the idea that they are clear of any wrongdoing – that they are not responsible in a relationship that includes two people. Another guy here is convinced that his BPD former wife is narcissistic and answers questions on Quora about BPD as if everyone with BPD is inherently a narc. They act like they don’t even know what a personality disorder means – that it is some inherent flaw in reasoning that makes a person unable to love, care or make rational decisions.

The other thing I saw either today or yesterday was a person who was considering taking their ex spouse back. The people commented on her Whisper excessively saying “Don’t do it”, “They are your ex for a reason”, “Do you have any self respect?” etc. It was obvious that they too had to tell themselves some thing or another about how their ex wasn’t good enough for them. Probably what my ex may have told/or still tells himself about me. What S may say. Or what I say from time to time. Psychological defense mechanism. This is what I said, however.

“Everyone saying “no, have self-respect. Don’t date exs for a reason. Honestly, it’s your life. If it’s a mistake, you’ll own up to it in your own time.”

Response: “Everyone makes mistakes. It is how we learn from them that defines us. Thank you for judging less and listening more.”

I didn’t even read the responses really until after and was confirmed that everyone said that. I guess it just concludes my point. Sure, he’s probably going to hurt me. Maybe I’m asking for it. Really though, when I watch Hercules and start crying thinking about Superman (2005)’s eyes and then his eyes – I don’t chose it. While my mom can say, “You really like to cry don’t you?” I don’t. I hate having these feelings for him. For loving him long past the expiration date. Yet I’m so sick and tired of beating myself over for it. We can’t control how we feel. That’s why advice about how we should feel is becoming so mundane and annoying to me that I literally cannot be on the internet much anymore, write (because the act of writing implies a newfound perspective on the world – which I don’t have) or give advice to people who are stuck in their heads and looking for confirmation bias. Because your brain can only go so far, and life doesn’t talk back. Life won’t give us answers. Frankly, it’s time I stop looking for them.

But frankly, saying and doing something are two different things…. hahahahaha. *sigh*

Yes the real problem is that I am addicted to all these labels. To diagnoses, ruminating and wanting love. It would be easy to call it BPD, PTSD and/or Bipolar but I think it’s something more complicated: “I am extremely sensitive to life, nostalgic of the past and analyze everything.” I am that combination of phlegmatic and choleric. I am fine one day and tomorrow, I’ll be in an unrequited romance with a guy from India who works in IT and will be being treated for Schizophrenia even though I currently can think of no delusions I experience. (The joke being that you couldn’t possibly remember them – which they tell you in psychiatry.) I am extremely tired of humanity and my feelings. Sure, I want to be understood but the very aspect of having a brain prevents the achievement of complete security. The movie credits rolling down the screen that we know doesn’t really happen, but nevertheless we aspire to them.

I’m so tired honestly. I hope things can get better from here but I don’t know. I think if they get worse, I might break down somehow. I feel like I can’t control it. That pills truly can’t make me happier and therapy truly can’t cure my low self-esteem and self-doubt. That at the end of my life, I’ll be looking back on now with nostalgia. That’s the fear, that like my love of S, I will lose the grip on my life. I love S so much, so dearly that there is this big whole in my heart and this earnest desire to comfort him and take on his pain. A desire that will never be fulfilled but it reminds me that if it were, I would be capable of boundless love to provide. That I would feel better and I would love and laugh more. In a perfect world, where I was a perfect human, but I am an imperfect human and that perfect world isn’t for me. The only thing keeping me grounded is knowledge of the limitation of perfection itself. Which is why I can’t do advice anymore. Cause my psychiatrist was right, no one could ever understand what I’ve been through. No one reads what I write or comments. I don’t know if any of this is going to anyone anywhere. I’m told I am searching for help. When I get help, I want to prove to people I am okay. I had a Facebook twice. The second time, after I got on meds, I would try to post all the positive things I was doing. I would try to actively purpose together an identity. Proving that I was better, and I knew I was lying then, and now. Cause at some point, the troll on the internet wins. He sits in your psyche and beats you down until you can’t remember who you are. No one really cares and or is listening and I’m wasting my time.

 

What I’ve Learned

It’s hard when you have had diagnosis after diagnosis and therapist after therapist. When boy after boy rejects you and the reasons are: “You’re too nice”, “You’re too emotionally dependent and “You are not emotionally mature enough.” I am, in a sense, a hopeless romantic and I’ve been that way my whole life. Ever since I sat outside the playground during recess with my head in my hands, watching as my kindergarten crush ran about the playground dreamily, I’ve always dreamed that there would be someone or something that would be a quick fix to all my problems. In falling down the rabbit hole of diagnosis and treatment plans, I’ve had to come out from it and look at the view of those who fell in behind me.

So you’re going to laugh at me or think me incredibly desensitized and/or dangerous to others when I say this, but I sometimes listen to Elliot Rodger’s videos. I wonder sometimes if I wasn’t manic while on my medications – would I have lost my virginity and felt more comfortable about my love life and sense of self worth? The truth is – I feel better having gone through all the hardship with psychiatrists, authority, counselors and guys because when I look at Elliot Rodger’s videos, I see someone who thought himself to be evil and who had severe incapability of handling his distress. When I look at human life in general and how we attribute labels to ourselves to give us a sense of comfort or explanation in extreme turmoil, I am able to better understand the people who have helped me or failed to help me. I’ve reached a place with my understanding and interest in this subject that I don’t see Elliot Rodger and other socipaths as evil, nor do I see narcissists like Donald Trump or Kim Jong Un incapable of loving their wife and kids.

I do think it’s helpful to have labels sometimes because in the extreme distress of dealing with a diagnosis, we are able to push through the darkness and work at the problems lurking within our own psyche – whether we are Bipolar, Borderline, Schizophrenic, Schizoaffective, Autistic, Narcissistic, Anxious, Depressed, Narcissistic and even Psychopaths as well as Sociopaths. I think for more people to be able to balance their minds and internal distresses that there should be an integration of mental health with and within education practices – perhaps through a CBT or DBT class and with instructional methods having links to people’s everyday mental health. I also think that there is simply not enough research about pharmaceutical drugs and the side effects. Until the American Psychiatric Association and other groups are better able to address and work on the side-effects of pharmaceuticals, and the media is better able to explain mental psychosis/homicide to citizens, there will still be a large amount of individuals who are afraid of getting help when they need it and instead, deflect by projecting their own health issues onto other people. Someday, I hope we live in a society where drugs are regulated, help is widespread, stigma is no longer an issue, scientists are looking for new cures and people are better educated.

Making Meaning of BPD/Abusive Relationships, and MGTOW

This is a reflection on what happened after I left college and moved back home with my parents. For starters, I need to tell you exactly what happened with my love life.

For starters, the summer before I left, I got with my college RA. He was moving to graduate school. I recommended him to a school 5 states away and he got in. I was coming to terms with the fact that he would be gone permanently.

Moreover, I threw myself into a relationship with him because not only did I like him but my relationship with my ex fell apart. My ex was not happy that I found love with someone else (though I truly was blind in thinking my RA liked me back) and he got with someone else . He would send me text messages about their sexual encounters together from different numbers every time I blocked him. I would try to report him to the police but they assumed it was a “couple’s problem.”

I threw myself at my RA. Looking back, I could see that I was desperate. When I confessed my love for him and that I told my ex about us, he told me he needed space. He ended up blocking me on Facebook and on his phone. I went into a deep depression and I hate to say it, but I went crazy. I ended up texting him from different numbers, calling him 20-30 times, and ended up shunning my friends. Nothing made sense anymore. My major seemed pointless. The uplift I felt from antidepressants and getting help suddenly seemed worthless.

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My ex and I also got back together, except we weren’t together. He had lied to me twice about him breaking up with his girlfriend when he wasn’t. I tried to Facebook message her about it but ended up realizing she had blocked my main Facebook account because my ex had told her I was crazy and she would probably never believe anything I said to her. He insisted I agree to be polyamorous with him. He would drive by my dorm and contact me throughout the night. I ended up having to leave the school. He made sure to “tell” (though it was lying) to my family that I was suicidal so that I would be institutionalized and have to come back to school with him. My parents contacted his parents but he told them that I elaborately made up the whole thing and was obsessed with him. They believed him. He also told me “Nobody will ever love you because you are crazy.” So I ended up getting a new number and my stepdad threatened him to never talk to me again.

I went home. It was too late to start classes at my new school due to registering late. I ended up having to stay home. I began to write on Quora about my experiences with Bipolar Disorder and soon realized that my own experiences with medications were not accepted for they were seen as contributing to the stigma of those seeking help for mental disorders. I also threw myself at MRA men on the internet through Whisper and Disqus. I had heated conversations where 40-50 year old men told me I was a selfish woman who didn’t deserve love and where my own experiences in abusive relationships were invalidated.

Throwing myself at people on the internet during the year of 2016 was ultimately a mistake. I corrected Liberals and Conservatives, Feminists and Anti-Feminists. While men on Disqus were attacking my worth as a woman, Liberals on Whisper and Quora were attacking my intelligence. Why did I seek to argue with people online? Deep down, I think I could have been trying to validate others’ hatred of me. Videos like Sandman on Youtube still deeply bother me to this day, when I view them, I think there is no hope for me in having a loving relationship because I still believe men to be evil and myself to be irrevocably flawed. I read my sister’s self-help books and she’s 40. I read chick-lit books. I’ve thrown myself to Men’s Rights advocates and the Psychiatry community. One girl in particular sticks out to me because her comment to this day bothers me and gives me a deep seated uncomfortableness and doubt in myself.

This is the type of ‘question’ I normally avoid because you’re not looking for a solution. All you want to do is beat your fists against a figurative brick wall in frustration and gain as much sympathy as possible. Frustration I understand personally; beat away. Sympathy, I do not, but I can easily employ critical thinking skills and cognitive empathy.

The numerical logic has already been pointed out, as well as the therapist approach and the understanding female friend advice. What’s left for me to analyze? I’m going with my favorite: brutal, logical honesty mixed in with psychological probability.

  1. Your question suggests that you are self-absorbed and ruminating. This indicates that either you’re going through a depressive episode, or you’re possibly suffering from a personality disorder. No, I’m not going to diagnose you, but portraying rumination and self-hatred publicly while demanding sympathy is narcissistic behavior. Is that a temporary or long-term defense mechanism? If the latter, and considering your mis-diagnosis of bipolar, read up on borderline personality disorder and see if personal accounts resonate. From what I’ve read on your profile, you sound very similar to someone in my inner circle who is borderline. A possibility to consider, perhaps. Either way, such patterns of rumination are helped immensely by DBT. Ask your therapist about it.
  2. The concept of ‘giving up on all men’ implies that blame for some misdeed is on an entire sex. One or three or five hundred men out of billions has wronged you, and now every man is to blame? Displacement of blame is common in people who have fragile egos and self-esteem. What is your role in what happened? Why aren’t you taking responsibility for your shortcomings? Nothing is one-sided, and taking responsibility for faults actually makes you stronger and more powerful. I know from daily experience.
  3. Sympathy is like heroin. It feels great, but if you keep taking it, you eventually wake up one day and realize that you’ve lost everything. Those who seek out sympathy instead of compassion are looking for others to justify their refusal to take responsibility for their lives. They’re also handing control of themselves and their lives to someone else. Unless you believe in Jesus, or the FSM, I wouldn’t recommend that. Malignant narcissists await such opportunities.
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Am I unworthy of love? Am I not trying hard enough? Am I deeply egotistical and narcissistic? The rabbit hole is deep and unfortunately, I don’t think I will ever crawl out from under this hole again with a sense of confidence and believe that I will find my way in the world.  However, I learned some things that may shed light on how my life has failed incredibly.

  • Depression is still looked down upon by many people as selfish and needy. People who are depressed and/or emotional will be blamed for the start because they are more vulnerable than others.
  • Women are still seen as emotional and irrational despite of the Feminist movement. Though you can get raped, hit, or bullied by your friends – people will still see you as selfish and narcissistic.

Unfortunately, my conclusions are that I have grown weaker as a result of my experience. I can’t allow myself to grow weaker or let this girl’s comments effect me because if they do, I will never have the confidence to do anything again. I’m like a glass figurine that has been cracked and cracked enough that at some point it will shatter and be thrown in the trash can. I sought to escape my Bipolar diagnosis and I sought love but ultimately I found regret. Such is the nature of life I suppose. I wish looking back that I had never sought to be pretty like the popular girls so I could impress my private school crush. I wish I had never allowed myself to be jealous and wished for a boyfriend, sitting alone in the dark and brooding. I wish I had accepted myself for who I am and not allowed myself to get depressed. To have appreciated having friends.

I like to think this story ends at the beginning at the homecoming dance. Matt, Mel, Sam, Caroline, Alexandra, Ryan, Ashley, Will and I were all together on the dance floor of the gymnasium. The song “I Gotta Feeling” came on and we all started dancing. The whole room started dancing too. Being young and innocent like that, we were all full of joy and elation. I turned to Mel and we sung. Me and Alexandra jumped up and down.

Later, it was time to go. I left my shoe under the bleachers. Realizing that the bleachers were down permanently and I couldn’t get my shoe back, I limped away with one shoe on my foot. I hoped that there was some imaginary “Prince Charming” that would find my shoe but ultimately, I knew that I would get up the next day and would make it. That’s all we can do. Yet I know that then, I was miserable too with my own problems.  I know that what happened to me was not all my fault. Perhaps life is just a continual progression of one challenge after another and the real challenge is in jumping through as many hoops as you can. I know that…

  • That I ran into selfish and narcissistic people along the way.
  • That I may never have a normal life, may have to get back on medications and may have to accept that my dreams of having a family, friends and a normal life may be an impossibility.
  • That I may always be “mad.”

Hopefully, in the future, we can see how the trauma of what we do to others can impact them and be more careful in how we treat others. For now, I’ve accepted being a narcissist. I see strength in caring for myself first that I did not before. I don’t have time for other peoples’ concerns or ideas of what I should do with my life. I can no longer feel guilt for failed relationships with others because it takes two people to tango and those who can’t see how they tangoed may be the problem in the first place. I hope that’s the big takeaway for this story and as for where it goes, that is up to you.

Getting off Medications

So today, I’m going to be talking about my experiences getting off medications and how to get off yours.

Here’s the first problem with getting off your medications: there is a reason why there isn’t much research that is being done about it. The reason is that currently – there is a biological perspective on mental illnesses. Conditions like personality disorders and even minor conditions like internet addiction, are signals of an underlying disorder of the brain.

I don’t necessarily agree with the idea that mental illness requires treatment based on the idea of it being a biological illness but that goes into a whole plethora of issues in the realm of comorbidity. In psychiatry, comorbidity is discovered while you are in the process of treating another illness. In “antipsychiatry” language (which I will call in the future “alternative psychiatry”), comorbidity is the idea that as you are treating a mental illness – another illness comes about as a result of treatment.

I don’t mean to scare you but this is a reality of conditions like Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia and many other illnesses.

. You want a drug to remove psychosis but it can accelerate heart rate and cause imaginary stressors even when the intent was preventing delusions.
. You want depressed people to be happy but the reality is that the treatment of antidepressants, which can cause an uplift in mood, can create symptoms of mania and unpredictability that is socially awkward to everyday behavior.
. You want to help one with ADHD to become more focused in school but in the process you suppress them connecting with their emotions, and perhaps they believe in result that they are asexual or non-gender binary.

This is a reality. It’s not to contribute to the stigma of those with mental disorders – rather it’s to illustrate that if you are going to a psychiatrist to see about treating a mental disorder, you will face challenges due to side-effects of meds. It may be that you have a mental illness responding to the meds, but it doesn’t mean that you are solely responsible for your reaction to said meds.

There’s been a lot of controversy then about getting off one’s meds and we generally as a society do not support it. Certain instances of Dylan Kleobold, Elliot Rodger and the Germanwings airpilot follow suit. For that, here are some alternative medicine interpretations of the mass homicide incidents.

https://psychiatricfraud.org/2011/04/the-real-lesson-of-columbine-psychiatric-drugs-induce-violence/

https://www.cchrint.org/2014/05/26/will-lawmakers-investigate-elliot-rodgers-psychiatric-drug-use-or-ignore-it-that-is-the-question/

https://www.madinamerica.com/2016/04/the-germanwings-crash-flying-under-the-influence/

I don’t really care whether or not these individuals had a mental illness or not – that would be to either insinuate that medications cannot cause psychosis or that people with mental illnesses aren’t naturally psychotic. However, finding these instances that are ignored by the mass public are something that I particularly identify with.

When I discovered that Elliot Rodger was on the drug risperdal, had withdrew suddenly and then wanted to die by overdose before deciding to kill others – I understood how hard Risperdal was as well as the challenges of medicine withdrawal a way others could never understand. The media likes to portray that if we help individuals seek treatment, they will always be better off and then deliberately ignores when the drug is the cause of the impairment. Drug psychosis, withdrawal psychosis and med change psychosis (as in the case of the Germanwings pilot) are realities of medication and/or mental illness.

When I was in a dark bathroom of my dorm room having another psychotic breakdown, I knew I had to get off my meds. I saw a woman on the other side of the room – Asian, dressed in 40’s garb and she was angry at me. I started having memories of past lives and whether or not I thought this could be signs of what he spirituality community sees as a Kundalini awakening or just signs that my “treated” Bipolar Disorder was developing into a more Schizophrenic-like condition of hearing things and seeing things, I knew I was far in the ether of my mind and had to get back to reality.

There’s something comfortable in having a grasp on reality. In a way, we all want to feel comforted. We look at our phones, we talk to each other about the weather, we get upset on the roads and we get mad at things we watch on the television. There’s nothing wrong with secularism in my opinion if it keeps you in a comfortable place. Plenty of people without mental illness don’t realize the privilege they have of hanging onto their normal lives. That’s what I wanted – to escape my diagnosis and be a “normal” person again.

Psychiatry works by assuming your illnesses require lifelong treatment – therefore there was only 3 psychiatrists in my own state that were alternative psychiatrists. I went to a very inspiring one that I will call Dr. Whiteside. He lived in a hippie house with his wife with plants in the windows and a greenhouse out back. He had written several books. In his discussion with me, he determined that I had PTSD from my experience and needed treatment. He started me on two anti-anxiety medications.

I was not thrilled to be diagnosed with another condition. It didn’t help me to be on these meds – except for the sake of withdrawing from my Bipolar meds. I then wanted to get off all my meds – cutting them into halves, and quarters until I was officially off.

Yet oh, the irony. I got back on a pill I had to take for my laporoscopy – a birth control pill. You’d think that after the first time of being on birth control, my gynecologists would realize that I don’t do well on it. That I get depressed and psychotic. It affected my mental stability and ultimately affected another relationship.

I had to eventually leave the school I was at and go back to live with my parents. I also had to take a break off school because I signed up late. I didn’t have the best time doing nothing and reflecting on the ways thing had failed, but eventually after 5-7 months I began to recover from manic-depression symptoms.

The way you have to do it is different for everyone. Therapy to correct or at least stabilize underlying thought patterns. Also I was extremely lucky as to not be addicted to drugs or alcohol which can greatly spiral a Bipolar condition with or without medications. You need to be fully ready to take care of yourself to get off medications and find someone who can help you. The problem is that I don’t really know your situation and I don’t think that gives me absolute authority to be able to help you because you might be experiencing psychosis and that requires immediate medical attention. There are certain co-occurring disorders that can occur with our without medication and that can greatly determine whether you need to be on medication or not. You also have to understand (cause this is really important) that even a stable Bipolar/or other mental health condition can relapse. You have to understand that your moods are controlling your thoughts which are controlling your decision making. If you ever got into a place where you thought of harming yourself or taking your own life, you have to realize medication and therapy would perhaps be okay and not to feel ashamed about it. What else? Do not eat carbs and drink carbonated drinks, particularly caffeine, because these are some of the things that can spiral you in a manic state. Do not take steroids. Understand that certain medications even treated for physiological conditions can effect your psychological state: meaning that you must practice holistic wellness to be sound in mind and body. Go to sleep on time. If you are using your mania to dabble into something obsessively, it can throw you off your circadian rhythms. Be like the Buddha and meditate. Practice mindfulness to control your impulsivity. Understand that depression can control your thoughts. Find a support system. In short, I am neither for nor against psychiatry but because extreme psychiatric conditions cause for careful methods of treatment, it gives you permission to use everything to help yourself.

Then, of course, there is the idea that everyone should get on and stay on their medication. Little evidence or research has been done to prove otherwise, instead research promotes continuing a patient’s dependency to psychotrophic drugs when their careers, relationships and health are at stake from an increase in medication. Some have found it better to get off their medication but until we recognize this as a society, there will continue to be laws barring people from freedom to make their own choices in regards to their life and a scare in the population to try to convince others that they are not crazy or mentally ill. Then of course there is the unaddressed question of the stigma of mental health in getting people jobs or keeping them in their positions of power. Many presidents have had mental illness as well as writers, celebrities, etc. Until we recognize that mental illness is mental genius in some respects, these people will continue to refuse health and get sicker. So yeah there are a lot of problems. If you are interested, visit: Mad In America – Science, Psychiatry & Community or Beyond Meds. I like to believe that we will find new ways to treat mental illness beyond the use of mood stabilizers, anti-depressants and stimulants. A way of treating the mentally ill and the seriously mentally ill without putting their health at such a serious jeopardy. Until then we are unfortunately stuck with this system of psychiatry.

For getting off meds, Alternative Mental Health is a good resource. You can find people on Youtube and other areas of the web to help as well. Never embark on this journey without the help of a psychiatrist, but make sure he/she is open-minded in helping you. Traditional psychiatrists, though they are versed in the treatment of mental health disorders, are not as versed in getting people off medications. Find an alternative psychiatrist.

 

Psychiatric PTSD

depressed

This is going to be a diversion from some of the blog posts I’ve been writing. I have been going in a linear fashion for my digital activism project only to have this project come to a standstill. The reason being is that reliving my memories and trying to explain them to other people, though it can be therapeutic and help people, has brought on bad memories. Then I discovered the guy I love is a Behavioral Health Specialist at a mental health clinic – i.e. writes about patients and then works with psychiatrists to diagnose treatment plans.
I had a vision of this project that at the end, I would tell you that I have worked out my feelings for my RA as being something decided for now as at a standstill. However, realizing his job description, makes me deathly afraid of him. Truth is: I love him. I have loved him for a complicated number of reason such as BPD, attraction to his mind and emotions, physical attraction, infatuation/love/lust, because he’s so different and the need to have someone different in my life that’s challenging me. Only, I feel like I’ve been disillusioned the whole time trying to impress him with school and things only to realize he dropped out of graduate school in October.
The truth is, I have BPD. I’ve never had a successful relationship in my life with anyone – whether it was because of them being narcissistic or me being emotional. I want to tell you that I feel better and am coming to terms with illness, that I am coming to a place of emotional maturity. I’m truly afraid that I will always be chasing ideals in society – in this case, having trying not to be crazy when I know he will always view me as crazy and unstable. I have trauma against mental health professionals looking down on psychiatric patients and there is no therapy group, books or resources for my condition. I only have myself and I’m scared.
So things are going to change with this blog – I will be more honest from now on. Let me be clear though, I love him and it hurts to know I will never be enough for him. That I may never know a way to treat my BPD, Bipolar or both for people to be happy with me because of how I’ve failed with medications and therapy. That’s how I honestly feel. I can’t say I have the answers because I’m still learning. I frequently don’t feel safe around people and I don’t know how to fix it. That’s why I have been writing, writing and ruminating over these experiences. That’s why I have learned so much about mental health now even without qualification in the field and still feel deathly afraid of ever stepping into it – out of the fear of diagnosing myself. This is the truth
* That I may never come to terms with the system.
* That I may be always outside of the system looking in and monitoring my thoughts.
* That I will never express my thoughts out of fear of institutionalization.
* That I will look at people with kids and loving partners – thinking that it will never happen to me.
* That I secretly don’t know if I deserve to have kids or love.
* That I will always see people as judging me or using me to be means to their own ends.
It’s just a fact that I’m not okay. That’s all I can be right now. I talked to him about it. He understands that I’m upset. He agrees people can be desensitized in mental hospitals. He’s a caring person. There’s just no other way around it. We are different and everything but, I’m really glad we are friends.

Treatment Compliance

Ah treatment. This meant that I was “Bipolar in recovery” and supposed to be getting better. I would have to get better. I would have to listen to my psychiatrist and take my pills every night/morning. I would get better by adhering to treatment and as such, I would prove to everyone that I could be a responsible adult. Already I had failed so much already but if I proved to everyone I was fine, I would be fine.

I was starting school after being institutionalized. I was making my first friend – my RA in my dorm – whom I had a massive crush on. I would prove to him I was fine by telling him what was going on in school and making friends with everyone. I was fine… until I accidentally cut myself in the shower. It was a relief. I felt like I had something to control. I wanted to do it again. I needed something to hold onto.

We talked later in the day about everything: Politics, Religion, Philosophy and our futures. I would be independent and convince him that I was attractive. I would smile – I smiled for an hour in front of the mirror everyday. Yet he rejected me. I was an emotional wreck. I left messages at his door. I pushed him further and further away. Now I knew the truth that I was Bipolar because if I wasn’t, he would stay. It was obvious my treatment wasn’t working because I was crying every few hours and hating being at school.

Moreover, I couldn’t focus in school. I would get intense anxiety attacks where I wouldn’t leave my apartment. When I did leave and was sitting through class, I would try to stay attentive but would find myself drifting off. Honestly, I wondered if they had gotten the diagnosis wrong and that I just had ADHD instead. I tried to go to the disability resource center about this, because of a recommendation from my psychiatrist, but they wouldn’t classify Bipolar Disorder as a learning issue that needs special help. My grades dropped drastically from a 3.6 to a 2.34 and I ended up getting my first F in a class. I would end up having manic mood swings every few hours – which is alternating between crying and extreme agitated mania. Mania is like excitement, stress and worry all rolled into one.

Basically, I wasn’t getting better. I tried new medications a lot of the time. My psychiatrist had thought Depakote was the problem but looking back, I knew it was the Zoloft that was causing my mania. I became dependent on it. I knew people liked me better on it and I wanted the approval of other people simultaneously. I ended up getting into my first relationship. That lasted for a few months, until we had an argument and I ended up overdosing on Zoloft. I got my ticket to the mental hospital for the third time.

Fall came. By then, they had switched me on Ambilify. Ambilify has been known to increase risky behavior in people where risk is supposed to be mediated. Ambilify Impulse. It was that risky behavior that encouraged me to breakup with my ex-boyfriend. I didn’t really want to break up with him, but I figured I could “teach him a lesson” so to speak. I had begun to suffer the affects of Ambilify. My first affair began that night. By the end of the fall, I had slept with 7 guys. I had been slut-shamed by my ex-boyfriend, and desperately hated myself for what I had done. I would do anything to have him back, so I accepted my psychiatrist’s interpretation that it was my Bipolar Disorder that had caused the problem. He did decide to get me off Ambilify by the time winter had come to Lithium and another mood stabilizer, but both ended up causing Hypothyroidism. My psychiatrist refused to give these medical records to me and when we finally got them, refused to admit Lithium overwhelmed my Thyroid. He wanted me to stay on it and if I didn’t, I would have to stop seeing him. So I stopped seeing him and got off both drugs.

Looking back, treatment compliance for Bipolar Disorder was helpful in the beginning. Being told that my mania and depression was the cause of social discord between me and other people caused me to focus on managing moods and getting in touch with my emotions. Ultimately, the diagnosis became self-defeating because it made me accept abusive relationships and ultimately rape as my own fault. I think when it comes to diagnosis, we can tell ourselves that we are “oppositionally defiant” and need to accept our diagnosis but ultimately when the treatment proves to significantly impair one’s mental health and physical health – it’s proper to leave it. To get outside the medical model and not see oneself as damned to a life-long biological illness.

I would like to entertain the reader to the movie “A Dangerous Game.” It is the story of Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud’s short lived friendship. Sigmund Freud was very methodical in his treatment of mental illness and cold hearted. Carl Jung had unethical relationships with his patients. It was Jung’s interest in the esoterical that made Sigmund Freud eventually cut contact with him. Jung later went on to study more of the mystical and esoteric, believing that one can teach another to tap into one’s potential. He was a creator in the MBTI assesment and now individuals are able to tap into this system.

Perhaps then it is necessary to start observing the potential in illness. To reach new heights in mentality. The benefits of Autism. The benefits in Bipolar Disorder. Instead of thinking about it’s negative effects, turning the patient away from recovery with their own strengths and instead to attempt living a life that is not their own – not defined and “doomed” by their illness.

Sigmund Freud thought this ideas endangering his own system and his patients. For if people fearlessly pursued their dreams, would their be a point to law? A system of government? An order of peace? Perhaps people would end up destroying the world in the process.

Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

-Albert Einstein

I am well aware that the argument Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud had will haunt Psychology. It’s a threat to it’s existence even though Carl Jung’s ideas were not widely adopted by everyone who came to study him hereafter. Perhaps though it gives hope to anyone who has been diagnosed and is questioning it’s validity.

If you have read this far, I suppose I will tell you the truth.

You ever wondered why certain medications can treat Anxiety and Depression at the same time? This is no coincidence. There is a lot of confusion in the community. We can recognize that there is illness or distress plaguing the individual but not all of us can determine it biological. When you really study it in depth, you find that there is no scientific basis for any illness. No observed phenomena of a chemical imbalance of the brain. And if anyone told you that they could biologically test you for mental illness, you will find that it’s a bogus test. There’s no way to do so.

However, if you are depressed or suicidal, get a doctor. Try medication.

Perhaps the medication will effect your health later on. There is no study of this by any pharmaceutical company (*SHOCKER!*) but many patients observe complications with their health as their medication dose increases.

There is also no science to getting people off their medicine. Most MD’s assume it is impossible but is it really? Perhaps with proper therapy and an appropriate time frame (3 months, not three weeks) the patient may able to get off medication. (Sometimes it takes 3 years.) However, most MD’s do not recommend trying at all. They say that the patient will have to stay on medication their life when in some cases, they don’t need to. They don’t have to. Is psychiatry then properly rehabilitating people at all? Or are they just after money? Hey, just for fun, go see what kind of car your MD drives. You know where he got that car? Your money.

Perhaps some people do have illness but still have to get off medication. This will be your choice. I stopped seeing my psychiatrist because he failed to help when I was failing at school due to being distracted by my medication when focusing on material. I chose my illness for now because I need to support myself. I am not getting married soon. No husband wants a dependant wife (though I will have to be eventually based on the nature of the illness) and my mom does not want me to live with her forever.

I chose my illness because for now, I have to take the reigns of my life. I have to readjust myself to my long manic cycles because it is what I am used to. It is how I am best able to learn and succeed, regardless of the issues between family and friends (which I am now aware of.)

The whole point I am trying to make is that you can only decide for you what is best for you. Life is a learning process and sometimes with illness, it is scary. I am not recommending getting off medication but if you are feeling brave, take the leap. It’s time.