What I’ve Learned

It’s hard when you have had diagnosis after diagnosis and therapist after therapist. When boy after boy rejects you and the reasons are: “You’re too nice”, “You’re too emotionally dependent and “You are not emotionally mature enough.” I am, in a sense, a hopeless romantic and I’ve been that way my whole life. Ever since I sat outside the playground during recess with my head in my hands, watching as my kindergarten crush ran about the playground dreamily, I’ve always dreamed that there would be someone or something that would be a quick fix to all my problems. In falling down the rabbit hole of diagnosis and treatment plans, I’ve had to come out from it and look at the view of those who fell in behind me.

So you’re going to laugh at me or think me incredibly desensitized and/or dangerous to others when I say this, but I sometimes listen to Elliot Rodger’s videos. I wonder sometimes if I wasn’t manic while on my medications – would I have lost my virginity and felt more comfortable about my love life and sense of self worth? The truth is – I feel better having gone through all the hardship with psychiatrists, authority, counselors and guys because when I look at Elliot Rodger’s videos, I see someone who thought himself to be evil and who had severe incapability of handling his distress. When I look at human life in general and how we attribute labels to ourselves to give us a sense of comfort or explanation in extreme turmoil, I am able to better understand the people who have helped me or failed to help me. I’ve reached a place with my understanding and interest in this subject that I don’t see Elliot Rodger and other socipaths as evil, nor do I see narcissists like Donald Trump or Kim Jong Un incapable of loving their wife and kids.

I do think it’s helpful to have labels sometimes because in the extreme distress of dealing with a diagnosis, we are able to push through the darkness and work at the problems lurking within our own psyche – whether we are Bipolar, Borderline, Schizophrenic, Schizoaffective, Autistic, Narcissistic, Anxious, Depressed, Narcissistic and even Psychopaths as well as Sociopaths. I think for more people to be able to balance their minds and internal distresses that there should be an integration of mental health with and within education practices – perhaps through a CBT or DBT class and with instructional methods having links to people’s everyday mental health. I also think that there is simply not enough research about pharmaceutical drugs and the side effects. Until the American Psychiatric Association and other groups are better able to address and work on the side-effects of pharmaceuticals, and the media is better able to explain mental psychosis/homicide to citizens, there will still be a large amount of individuals who are afraid of getting help when they need it and instead, deflect by projecting their own health issues onto other people. Someday, I hope we live in a society where drugs are regulated, help is widespread, stigma is no longer an issue, scientists are looking for new cures and people are better educated.


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