Done with Advice-Givers, Labels and Self-Help

uoftas12_1

To be honest, I’m getting sick of advice. It started off as a conscious need to not be labeled in any sort of way. Now it’s frustration as being in an unrequited love-type situation. The truth is, there is currently no cure for this love and perhaps the problem is in looking for one.  I don’t know if he’s seeking to fill in the loneliness while he waits for someone else to come along but I’m all too willing to give it to him. He told me I had not found anyone else because I don’t put myself out there enough but I’ve long ago stopped getting internet offers to meet up due to the hundreds of guys on Whisper who simply didn’t measure up to him in looks, intelligence and personality. Then there’s the assertion that I’m just addicted to the feeling of being unloved. What? I chose to fall in love with him? I think that’s unrealistic. I never chose to love him. I told myself on Day 1, “DO NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM! HE’S JUST LIKE JAMES (my first love – who I never talked too and ended up being obsessed with for 7 years) SO OBVIOUSLY HE’S GOING TO BREAK YOUR HEART!” I rolled my eyes at the girls in the dorm who gawked over him. The only reason he was interested in me was because I wasn’t so easily impressed by him. Until I was of course. Then he left. Then I got a boyfriend and lost my virginity. Whoop-de-doo. I didn’t really like him but I made a conscious effort to move on from S (the guy I’m talking about). That’s why, along with some indiscriminate pictures I sent him, we got back together. Until I got too clingy. Then he left. AGAIN. Now we are seeing each other. Again. It’s so easy for him to put me at arms length and take me for granted. It’s so easy for me to accept that it will never go anywhere and give him/want to give him comfort in spite of it. YET THE IDEA THAT I CHOSE TO CRY OVER HIM WHEN I WATCH HERCULES, DIRTY DANCING AND SUPERMAN IS LUDICROUS! You can’t chose to like anybody. You can’t tell people that because they fall in love with emotionally-unavailable types that they chose that. We don’t know when we first meet someone that they are that way and yet there is this assumption that we saw the warning signs and chose it. It’s a similar echo to the men ranting on the internet that women should be submissive and get with guys that they are not attracted to. You also can’t label people as narcissists when they get on your nerves. There’s this guy on Quora who in one of my darkest hours when I believed I was a narcissist that used men told me that I was specifically a somatic narcissist who was trying to appeal to women by putting down men. I wish I was bisexual. It would be easier than looking at someone’s dick and filling up with tears because you have gone a year and a half without sex because you’ve been in love with the same guy for four years.

Paul Inca
Paul Inca, the secret to navigating NPD’s is remembering they’re 4yo

As a high IQ/EQ, intuitive empath, you’re sending out my mating call.

I wonder when I read this, are these things you truly would like to see as permanent changes, or are you simply hoping this post will have the effect it had on someone like me, or perhaps a little from column A, and a little from column B?

Transparency is a huge turn on for intuitive empaths, as is sex with the narcissist, and up to the point you start understanding/mistaking my terminal niceness for oblivious weakness, we have such an incredible time together, the seconds become weeks, or even months without being noticed.

When I read “…and to avoid men so that I don’t”, I believe I’ve caught you, as you go on to say you also want to stop using the internet (social media/dating sites) for attention seeking (hunting grounds), which I don’t believe for a second, as it’s going to at minimum be one or the other, because you don’t want to not receive any attention, because that isn’t “normal” even for any NT, and would prove an exercise in futility for anyone IMO with even a 22 or above on the narcissism spectrum, as we all need attention of some kind. For me online, I get the greatest joy out of knowing something I’ve said has been a help to at least one person per day, regardless as to what magnitude, just knowing I’ve made a positive difference in someone’s life is enough. Not wanting any attention from men I’m not buying, as I don’t think there is such a thing as a straight or gay narcissist, and I in fact believe all of you are “meh” sexual. That is to say, meh, any port will do in a storm, of course, this is without knowing what “flavor” narcissist you are. Your hyper-reaction to reading “flavor” if divulged would give me some insight also. Intuitively I’m thinking you’re some bit of a somatic, but that could also be my own druthers entering into the mix. No attention however, would be much the same as a mirror that cast no reflection, would not be a mirror at all, which is something as a female narcissist that is even possible, and it would last all of 5 minutes, as impulse control, as you know isn’t your strong suit, and to have someone with my emotional intelligence fawning over you, which is inevitable in the dynamic, is like catnip to Frisky.

So, if you don’t mind, I’m going to re-write your post as I see it all things considered. Actually even if you do mind I’m going to. Now when I say that, it sets your heart all a flutter, because of the hint of banter that is such a blast between us. Why must you go out of your way in short order to unilaterally fuck everything up, when it starts out perfect, with us each being firmly as we’re both most comfortable?

How can I learn to stop being a narcissistic woman that uses men?

I’m essentially a narcisstic person who leverages sexual attraction and mental health issues for attention of the opposite sex. I want to learn how to stop being so selfish and to avoid men so that I don’t burden their lives. I also want to stop using the internet for attention seeking.”

First, the typo, is that for my benefit, as you know how we are about obvious spelling errors due to laziness, or apathy, or is that so we believe you’d like us to know you’re mostly humble already, or is that so we can lovingly point out you must’ve been rushed when you misspelled “narcissistic”, as the first bit of empath attention?

The rest of the opening sentence seems written in a way to essentially eliminate any non-empathic type men, while including a gratuitous mention of the opposite sex, which seems to be a subtle message to either gay or bi-women, you are still open to whatever they have in mind, as mentioning the opposite sex at all after making this clear in the question itself, is either intentionally redundant, an attempt to look less intelligent, or needful of a strong mind in your corner, or what I originally said; which I believe is the truth of it. So, which is it?

Then you say you want to “learn” how to stop “being” SO selfish.

Is this to say you’d like to learn to stop being selfish, but not to the point of selfless?

Also, am I to honestly believe you don’t “KNOW” already how to not be something you have NO PROBLEM with, depending on whom is watching?

I have a couple of other questions.

How old are you, including day and month of birth?

What part of the country do you live in?

How many sources of supply do you currently have, how long have you been without a good primary source?

What is your home dynamic/demographic currently?

What are you doing for dinner? ←— Kidding/not kidding…

This is the part where I vet myself as being what I claim; Sorry if you find me overly or brutally honest, and invasive with my questioning, and analytical dissection of your question, and I’m sure if you are indeed a narcissistic female, you no doubt know that as a high EQ intuitive empath, it is NEVER my intention to bring you shame, embarrassment, or any type of emotional distress, only transparency and effective communication are my life’s blood.

Thanks, look forward to a response…

It’s so easy to label someone as gay when you can’t understand them. I recently found another thread of his asking how an INFJ would expose a malignant narcissist. I wrote this in response, which is no longer on there.

I don’t think that by being an INFJ, or by calling oneself an empath, that either wouldn’t have narcissistic traits. Nobody is completely clear of narcissist tendencies, even if they are empathetic. Since “Malignant-Narcissism” is a conundrum in and of itself combining antisocial behavior and a grandiose sense of self, an INFJ may not be able to expose that kind of narcissist – perhaps because with introverted intuition and extroverted feeling can give one a sense that they do know what is best for other people. I imagine the two would get along unless they had drastically different perspectives. Now I do think that MBTI types and mental disorders are thrown around so much that people make drastic life decisions or suffer a loss of a sense of identity due to the sense of their purpose in life (their MBTI) or their failings (their mental illness). I think then that a narcissist would see a grandiose sense of purpose, perhaps in their abilities, without seeing failings. Would an INFJ be skilled at finding this? Probably not, since like other introverted intuitives, our own abilities lie in our beliefs about self and the world. It’s not to say that we are all narcissists or idealistic to a fault, but finding narcissism is like finding a needle in a haystack. You only really find it if that person gets on your nerves somehow, and even then others may disagree with you. I don’t see people as all empathetic or all narcissistic but perhaps at different degrees and to different people as different things.

I realized something though. This man has convinced himself that he is empathetic and has no narcissistic traits. That these people who write about narcissists and are so easily able to throw the label around deny that they have any bad qualities themselves. In a response to another lady he says about his “malignant narcissistic ex”
Lana Novak

 

I realized that it was pointless to convince them that they had done something wrong in taking no responsibility for their relationship(s). Their whole sense of identity is founded on the idea that they are clear of any wrongdoing – that they are not responsible in a relationship that includes two people. Another guy here is convinced that his BPD former wife is narcissistic and answers questions on Quora about BPD as if everyone with BPD is inherently a narc. They act like they don’t even know what a personality disorder means – that it is some inherent flaw in reasoning that makes a person unable to love, care or make rational decisions.

The other thing I saw either today or yesterday was a person who was considering taking their ex spouse back. The people commented on her Whisper excessively saying “Don’t do it”, “They are your ex for a reason”, “Do you have any self respect?” etc. It was obvious that they too had to tell themselves some thing or another about how their ex wasn’t good enough for them. Probably what my ex may have told/or still tells himself about me. What S may say. Or what I say from time to time. Psychological defense mechanism. This is what I said, however.

“Everyone saying “no, have self-respect. Don’t date exs for a reason. Honestly, it’s your life. If it’s a mistake, you’ll own up to it in your own time.”

Response: “Everyone makes mistakes. It is how we learn from them that defines us. Thank you for judging less and listening more.”

I didn’t even read the responses really until after and was confirmed that everyone said that. I guess it just concludes my point. Sure, he’s probably going to hurt me. Maybe I’m asking for it. Really though, when I watch Hercules and start crying thinking about Superman (2005)’s eyes and then his eyes – I don’t chose it. While my mom can say, “You really like to cry don’t you?” I don’t. I hate having these feelings for him. For loving him long past the expiration date. Yet I’m so sick and tired of beating myself over for it. We can’t control how we feel. That’s why advice about how we should feel is becoming so mundane and annoying to me that I literally cannot be on the internet much anymore, write (because the act of writing implies a newfound perspective on the world – which I don’t have) or give advice to people who are stuck in their heads and looking for confirmation bias. Because your brain can only go so far, and life doesn’t talk back. Life won’t give us answers. Frankly, it’s time I stop looking for them.

But frankly, saying and doing something are two different things…. hahahahaha. *sigh*

Yes the real problem is that I am addicted to all these labels. To diagnoses, ruminating and wanting love. It would be easy to call it BPD, PTSD and/or Bipolar but I think it’s something more complicated: “I am extremely sensitive to life, nostalgic of the past and analyze everything.” I am that combination of phlegmatic and choleric. I am fine one day and tomorrow, I’ll be in an unrequited romance with a guy from India who works in IT and will be being treated for Schizophrenia even though I currently can think of no delusions I experience. (The joke being that you couldn’t possibly remember them – which they tell you in psychiatry.) I am extremely tired of humanity and my feelings. Sure, I want to be understood but the very aspect of having a brain prevents the achievement of complete security. The movie credits rolling down the screen that we know doesn’t really happen, but nevertheless we aspire to them.

I’m so tired honestly. I hope things can get better from here but I don’t know. I think if they get worse, I might break down somehow. I feel like I can’t control it. That pills truly can’t make me happier and therapy truly can’t cure my low self-esteem and self-doubt. That at the end of my life, I’ll be looking back on now with nostalgia. That’s the fear, that like my love of S, I will lose the grip on my life. I love S so much, so dearly that there is this big whole in my heart and this earnest desire to comfort him and take on his pain. A desire that will never be fulfilled but it reminds me that if it were, I would be capable of boundless love to provide. That I would feel better and I would love and laugh more. In a perfect world, where I was a perfect human, but I am an imperfect human and that perfect world isn’t for me. The only thing keeping me grounded is knowledge of the limitation of perfection itself. Which is why I can’t do advice anymore. Cause my psychiatrist was right, no one could ever understand what I’ve been through. No one reads what I write or comments. I don’t know if any of this is going to anyone anywhere. I’m told I am searching for help. When I get help, I want to prove to people I am okay. I had a Facebook twice. The second time, after I got on meds, I would try to post all the positive things I was doing. I would try to actively purpose together an identity. Proving that I was better, and I knew I was lying then, and now. Cause at some point, the troll on the internet wins. He sits in your psyche and beats you down until you can’t remember who you are. No one really cares and or is listening and I’m wasting my time.

 

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