Life is not getting better. I do not feel any revelations about life. I feel more confused about it than ever. I’m worried my life is going into a cycle that I cannot find my way out of. I wonder sometimes if I have ever loved – would it mean I wouldn’t push guys away?
Then there’s the whole moving on bit. I know I am supposed to do it and yet I can’t because I’m afraid everything will repeat in an endless cycle. I’m so socially isolated. I can’t even make eye contact with a guy even though I’ve had sexual experience with men. I’m so terrified with them.
I’m worried I’m isolating myself and the truth is, I don’t know how to de-isolate myself after “working on myself” for so long. I wonder if I’m ready to move on. I know I’m not, and yet I feel lonely enough to want to do it. I know I will put it off until the last possible minute, being lonely enough to get hospitalized. The I will later be falling for an emotionally unavailable guy and maybe settling for an okay guy. I’ll text an ex, say that I’m “doing so well and am grateful for what I learned from him” just like I did to an ex from high school, who still wanted to sleep with me to make his gf jealous like in high school.
Then I’ll parade on, having already been medicated up and determined to apologize to everyone I “wronged” while Bipolar cycling between manic/depressed. Then relationship will fall apart after a few months, unavailable guy will become more unavailable and pattern repeats – me moving back home, isolating myself from the world and dealing with severe depression. What the heck. I feel like I have bad karma, and I know it will happen eventually. Going to the hospital, getting drugged, making regrettable decisions and falling apart. Nobody is on my side no matter what I do, and I feel like every cycle I get a little more broken.
I don’t think I am a lovable person or that my life will get any better, but I’m sticking around anyhow cause I’m lazy and overly dramatic. Just like BPD.